Bring Me Away

Just a while ago I was trying hard not to cry on the bus. In fact in school too. My mood was totally ruined cos I screwed up PW AGAIN. Thanks man, I freaking stayed up till 2am to improve on my work, hoping you would at least recognise my effort. But hell no. You said it’s still as bad and wanted me to see you. Did you have to be that emotional with the use of like so many exclamation marks???!!!!!! All you did was blame me for not putting in effort right? Bloody shit, I feel so damn indignant. I strongly believe that I’m not to blame if I don’t know where my fault lies. At least I tried.

Yeah I know I always cry. You think I like to? When I’m sad/angry/happy, I cry. If only all my troubles can be washed away by my tears. But what has become of society? It’s a sin to cry in public. You get judged. You get countless of stares. And sometimes I don’t like people asking me if I’m okay. Wth you just make me wanna cry even more!! Oh, and there’s no privacy to speak of in the world today. You get arrowed if you if you publish something on your blog that goes against societal norms etc. Even on twitter where I rant and say personal stuff, I have to conceal my true emotions for fear of being judged, for fear of some of my followers seeing certain tweets. Some people say the only way is to write a personal diary, and lock it up. But sometimes I just want people to know how I truly feel and do something about it. I’m sick of bottling up my feelings. At times I doubt who I truly am…
I’m tired of being out of circle, and afraid that if I try joining in, they label me as ‘extra’.
Today has been highly depressing. I’m gonna cry out loud, then encourage myself and keep trying. I can do this. Tough times don’t last, tough people do.

Lovin’ CJC

Walao I painstakingly typed a post on Orientation but it failed to publish!! Freaking pissed. Didn’t retype that time cos the ‘feeling’ was gone. Will try to post again…

Anyway a short update:

-Matriculation this week, started on lectures and tutorials. Oh gosh, it’s only the first week and I’m overwhelmed :O But I guess it’s normal. Ugh my Hist teacher is kinda intimidating, so I chionged the very veryyy long reading and filled in a table, but it’s not due for today’s tutorial! So sleep deprived cos of that. But I need to recap the reading and try and annotate…lots to catch up.

-I’m eligible for ELL!!! Hehehe. Was so worried after the selection test cos the grammar section killed me, but so glad to receive the text from school saying I passed. Finally, got my dream subject combination. From at first fretting over failing the test to the complexity of choosing initial subject combi (before being offered ELL) followed by finalizing my subjects, I’m glad everything is settled (I hope!) May have to change class cos I dropped Econs, but I’m not the only one Will know my class by Sun/Mon.

-Glad to be still quite bonded with my OG (7!) Haha they’re an awesome bunch, and I love how we always meet to have dinner etc

-I’m closer with my classmates now! At first I felt they were anti social, and missed my OG terribly. On Mon when OGs split and we were assigned to our classes, I felt so lonely and had recess alone. Then I found out I was sitting at at the table with my classmates (whom I didn’t know) and they left me out, talking among themselves. Haha but it’s much better now, quite close to several girls, and even had a very personal talk with one of them! The guys are okay too, just that we haven’t talked much. Such a pity we might me splitting already, like can’t get to know them better. It’s so cool how we have a class decorating competition, and my classmates have some very fantastic ideas, like doing a mosaic, using polaroids, photo frames and stuff. It’ll be so fun if we can do this together as a class. And my Home Tutor (Still not used to this term yet) is Ms Meera, who teaches Lit. Her personality is like Ms Siva

-Thinking of joining Interact Club as CCCA, it’s sort of like CIP, so it’s meaningful. Feel like I haven’t done anything for the community Haha wanted to be more active by joining Netball, but I guess it’s too rigorous and tough. Awww man why can’t I join swimming?! Heh.

-This afternoon was briefing for students under Potential Development Programme.I wasn’t aware of this in CJ students who scored L1R5 10 and below will automatically be under this Programme. Now I’m clearer about what’s in store for me. There are many opportunities like overseas OBS, Pre U Seminar, ELL and Hist trips etc to build our portfolios. Hope I’ll join at least 1. Oh and the school will monitor our MYE results, and if we don’t do well enough, we have to leave the Programme

That’s about all…

I have this lingering question in my mind – What if even If I have the passion for my subjects, I still don’t perform? Worried for Hist now cos there’s tons and tons of content…And for Lit, I’m not up to standard and everyone around are freaking knowledgeable, makes me feel inferior and unworthy of taking Lit.

Hopefully I’ll settle my thoughts, cos I know there are people I can turn to. I know I’m in safe hands cos I’m part of the CJ family. Okay, wish me luck as I embark on this stressful but amazing journey!